How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways
Victorian poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning set the stage for the word “love” in her timeless sonnet centuries ago. She believed love was everything, famously continuing, “Let me count the ways.”
While love is undeniably a powerful word, it has become commonplace, often used frivolously in everyday conversation. But what if we were to imagine a world where a totalitarian regime banned the word “love” altogether, deeming it too distracting and dangerous to their authority? What would the implications be if the word disappeared from our vocabulary? Here’s a thought experiment:
The World Without “Love”
- Popular music would collapse overnight.
- Frank Sinatra might never have left Hoboken.
- Dogs would still remain the best of friends.
- Sunsets would simply become “nice.”
- Rupert Murdoch might recommend “physical attraction” as an alternative term.
- The Beatles would be looking for work elsewhere in the UK.
- Romantic phone calls would end with a simple “Bye bye.”
- Women would merely be “nice-looking.”
- Children might be seen but not heard.
- Chocolate could become a woman’s favorite comfort.
- “Likes” on Facebook would seem more important.
- The world’s best-selling book would require a complete revision.
- Friendships would become more transactional.
- “Love you” might turn into “See you around.”
- Suitors might pledge commitment with “You’re the best.”
- Polyvagal theorists would focus on permanent bonding.
- Social learning theorists would devise “reward value” ratings.
- Poets would scramble for substitutes.
- Scientists would analyze “love” through operational definitions.
- Politicians wouldn’t need to adjust much at all.
The Complexity Of Language
Dylan Thomas, the romantic Welsh poet, once said, “We all suffer from the barrier of a common language.” Indeed, language—especially words like “love”—can be vague and laden with metaphorical meaning, often leading to confusion and miscommunication.
What if we redefined love as “How can I help you, asking nothing in return?” While this definition strips away emotional intensity and romance, it broadens the scope to include love for plants, animals, and humanity at large. But where’s the rapture, the spark? Such a clinical definition may fall flat for most.
Words Matter
Language comes in two primary forms: ordinary language and the language of science. Ordinary language—used in everyday conversation—is prone to vagueness and misinterpretation. In contrast, the language of science, often grounded in mathematics, strives for clarity and precision. As Galileo observed, “Mathematics is the language in which God has written the universe.”
Even with scientific precision, defining love quantitatively (e.g., “a bushel and a peck”) may feel inadequate. Yet, rationality offers a compelling alternative to the emotional chaos often associated with love. Perhaps the issue lies not in defining love but in how we use it recklessly, often with little thought to its meaning.
Visceral vs. Cognitive Love
Visceral expressions of love evoke physical desire, longing, and passion, such as “You take my breath away” or “I melt in your arms.” These are the statements that inspire grand gestures and emotional highs.
Cognitive expressions, however, require thoughtful action: fidelity, respect, shared responsibilities, and mutual support. These are the cornerstones of lasting, meaningful relationships.
While visceral love may lead to impulsive decisions (like expensive weddings or marriages lasting mere months), cognitive love fosters stability and enduring bonds.
Clarity Through Measurement
In business, it’s said, “What gets measured gets done.” Similarly, in personal relationships, clearly defining and understanding concerns can lead to better outcomes. This is the foundation of Positive Performance Psychology.
To address this need for clarity, I developed the Personal Concerns Inventory (PCI), an online self-assessment tool that measures over 1,000 personal concerns in about 20 minutes. The PCI provides a private “This is Me!” report, helping individuals articulate their concerns without fear of judgment or external influence.
By quantifying personal concerns, the PCI eliminates the ambiguity often associated with vague declarations of love or other emotions. It allows individuals to identify and prioritize their concerns, paving the way for effective problem-solving.
A Practical Tool For Personal Growth
The PCI is available for free, offering a user-friendly, confidential approach to self-assessment and personal development. With its clear, actionable insights, the PCI helps individuals and their counselors, coaches, or psychologists address core issues efficiently and effectively.
Final Thoughts
While the word “love” may remain delightfully vague and emotionally charged, clarity and precision in our thoughts and actions can enhance our personal and professional lives. As Nobel Prize-winning physicist Richard Feynman once said, “I don’t see how understanding nature in greater depth, with greater clarity, detracts from beauty. It seems to me it only adds to the beauty.”
If you’re ready to explore your concerns and embrace a path of clarity and growth, take the PCI to gain immediate insights and start your journey toward positive change.